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When Should I Sleep with Him?

When Should I Sleep with Him?


  Ladies, when is the right time to sleep with a man?  Everyone seems to have an opinion on this topic, from your friends, to celebrities and even doctors.  Should you sleep with him or shouldn’t you?

Research shows that most people in the U.S. sleep with someone around date three, others on the first date, and some only after marriage.

The objective of talking about this topic is to empower you to do what you are comfortable with. There is no steadfast three date rule, one month rule, or magic formula for the perfect time.  In my opinion, you can feel emotionally connected and attracted to someone even the first, second, or third date. You don’t have to wait three months because a celebrity dating coach said it will get you the man you want and weed off those who only want sex.

If you’re not sure on the first few dates whether you want to sleep with that new guy, then waiting is a good idea. It’s about reading the cues. Sex can enhance the chemistry or make it fizzle before it even has a chance to develop.

The following key points regarding when to sleep with a man are taken from various popular magazines, experts and books.

“The longer you put off having sex, the better the sex will be.”

I disagree.  If you wait too long to have sex, the sex might be awkward It may also create overly high expectations for that first time.


Men are persuading you into bed, but looking for you to say ‘no’ to make it part of the chase.”

I disagree. I think men initially don’t know if they are interested in a woman for short term or long term “mating.” However they want to sleep with you regardless.


“Making him wait to have sex will ensure he’s invested in it for the longer haul.”

Sometimes. But there’s also men who will wait several dates until you decide to sleep with him, and are still not interested in a monogamous relationship. It’s something you should communicate if monogamy before sex is important to you.


“Sex can cloud judgment.”

I agree. Sex can make things more complicated. If the attraction is too hot and heavy right from the start, you may miss noticing key personality traits you don’t like that are deal breakers for you.


“Talk about where the relationship is going before getting into bed with him”

Sometimes. What are your expectations if you have sex with him? If your values dictate that in order to have sex with him, you need to first be in a committed monogamous relationship, then go ahead and have that talk with him. Not every man is going to be comfortable with this conversation. Some may be scared off thinking they haven’t even slept with you yet, how do you expect them to commit? However, there are men willing to commit and invest in a relationship before sleeping together if they are marriage minded.  Ask yourself these questions – How well do I know him? How comfortable am I having sex with him?



To conclude, keep in mind that some men are highly influenced by the double standard.  Knowing your man’s attitudes and ideals regarding sex can provide cues to knowing how long to wait. There is no formula. It depends on the connection you two have and having sex can make that connection even stronger. If a man judges you because you slept with him “too soon” according to his standards, he may be struggling with a Madonna-whore dichotomy. Bottom line, do what you feel comfortable, when you feel comfortable.


“I Love You”: Waiting to Hear Your Boyfriend Say Those Three Little Words?

“I Love You”: Waiting to Hear Your Boyfriend Say Those Three Little Words?


  Who says I Love You first in a relationship: men or women?

According to a study Communicating Commitment in Romantic Relationship men say it first about 70% of the time.  The fact that men are saying it first to their partners significantly more than women makes me wonder if gender roles play a part in it. How many women also don’t want to make the first move and ask a guy out?

The study explained how evolutionarily speaking women have more burden for childbearing and can afford to be choosier with whom they have sex as well as whom they love.  This suggests that in our ancestral environment women waited to declare their love. Perhaps it’s wired in the female brain. So let’s go back to the idea behind a woman professing her love first.

Since men are saying it first the majority of the time in the relationship, does it follow that women are thinking it and feeling it as well but waiting for the guy to profess?  On average it appears that men and women in romantic (sexual) relationships are at the “I love you” stage a few months to half a year into the relationship.  If it’s taking nine months to a year, it may not mean he doesn’t love you, he could just be less emotionally expressive than yo

In recent conversations with women in this position, I would like to share what I emphasized to them.  Keep in mind the following 3 points if you’re at the stage in a romantic relationship with a guy: —dating him for a few months, —falling in love and wondering why he hasn’t professed his love to you.

  • Ask yourself if this relationship is moving at a pace you are comfortable with.  If it’s not and it’s really bothering you that he hasn’t said “I love you,” then it’s worth discussing with him.  Have a conversation about what the possible expectations are behind those 3 words. Perhaps he thinks that once he says “I love you” the expectations are that he has to move in with you, or it’s time to start the wedding planning.  It’s important to ensure that you both understand each other’s perspective.
  • If you avoid having the conversation with him about how you feel, unnecessary tension is likely to build in the relationship. It will come out in other ways through petty conflict and arguments because you need to know what he’s thinking.  And if he loves you why hasn’t he expressed it verbally.
  • After you have the conversation, maybe you’ll sense by his positive reaction and openness to express the strong connection you two have—as a sign that he genuinely loves you. Be willing to give him the time he needs to be ready to say it.  That’s the good scenario.  On the other hand, if after having the conversation you are not sure if he loves you by how he reacted, or if he backs away, give him time to feel and digest his emotions.  It can be confusing. After all, he may want to be the one to say it first.

If after a reasonable amount of time you feel you are not getting closer or taking your relationship to the next stage emotionally, since he still hasn’t said those three little words, then try having the conversation again about your feelings.  Hopefully this time he’s ready to profess his love.  If not, you deserve a man who’s more emotionally available for you.  After all, women can afford to be choosier on who they choose to love. ~

3 Reasons Why Men in their Twenties Don’t Want Girlfriends

3 Reasons Why Men in their Twenties Don’t Want Girlfriends


In recent years the dating stories I have been hearing all sound very similar—after 2 or 3 months of casually dating a girl, the guy started to get the hint that the girl wanted something more serious. The girl wanted it to become a committed boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship, and the guy cut it off because he said he just wasn’t “ready,” or something to that extent. In some of these cases it could be that the guy just wasn’t that into her for something long term. However, in many of these stories it becomes clear that while the guy genuinely really cared for and liked the girl (e.g., introduced her to his friends and talked every day), other preoccupations got in his way. That’s the thing with your twenties: you’re still figuring things out. There’s a lot of pressure in society (and in human nature) for men to be established, successful, and have been with a lot of women by the time they “settle down.” Here are the three reasons that twentysomething year old men – er, shall we say “boys” – don’t want to have girlfriends, apart from the golden rule of “he’s just not that into you.”

1. Friends, Career and other priorities Men in their twenties put a lot of attention and value into their “boys time.” That need they have to spend time with the guys goes away as they get older and start prioritizing their romantic relationship. This is also the age that you get out of college and start your career. They feel the pressure because they are at the bottom of the ladder trying to work their way up. They are trying to find their place in the world in the career or job of their choice. Friends and Career are often a reason men this age do not want long term relationships so they can focus on other priorities and not on love.

2. Emotionally unavailable/immature—seeking experiences for what they look for in a long term girlfriend Men at this age are very immature emotionally (usually). They also have a tendency to not be available emotionally because it is such an evolving period of their lives. They could be getting out of another relationship, transitioning to a new job, moving to a new city etc. All of these stressors can interfere with them feeling emotionally ready for a girlfriend. They also don’t know what they want and are looking for what they want in a long term girlfriend by being single and dating around, even if they are doing it without conscious awareness.

3. Sexual commitment/Time—seeking sexual experiences. Men at this age are in their sexual prime, and are therefore constantly in pursuit of novel sexual experience. They also don’t have a ticking biological clock, so they know they have time to settle down and to be sexually monogamous with a girl in the future. They also don’t have the pressure to be committed because, let’s face it, many women in New York have no problem with casual sex and so men don’t feel the need to have a girlfriend to have sex regularly.

The average twentysomething year old guy could not want a girlfriend for one of these reasons or maybe even all three. These reasons were inspired by my own past dating experiences and by most of my current single girlfriends experiencing these issues in NYC today. However, these reasons go beyond NYC dating and can be extended to universal Western modern dating cultures. So what happens now if you are dating a guy in his twenties who is very focused on his career to the point he doesn’t have time for you, or maybe he rather spend time with his friends in his free time, and/or maybe he sleeps around with other girls? Well the message I am sending is this—respect yourself enough to walk away from someone that isn’t making you happy because he’s not there for you the way you’d like. You are his “part-time,” “downtime,” or “sometime” and you want a committed boyfriend. If the guy isn’t giving that to you move on to the next because they aren’t even worth your time! One day, you will find that guy who doesn’t have one or all of these three reasons for not wanting a girlfriend. One day.