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Searching for Love in the New Year?

Searching for Love in the New Year?


  The end of the year can create much anxiety.  Have I accomplished all my personal goals??    I have more recently learned to be grateful for what I have & what I have accomplished.  This feeling of gratitude has provided a calmness and peacefulness that I hadn’t experienced when I was younger.

But, as I talk to some friends and clients, I sense their feelings of uneasiness that I recognize from my earlier single years. That feeling where the ball is dropping on New Year’s Eve and all you want more than anything is love.  Yes.  That feeling. “My wish for 20** is the man (or woman) of my dreams.  The mushy kind from rom-coms.”

If you are anxious about starting a new year because  you don’t have the ideal romantic partner you’ve been longing for, and it scares the sh*t out of you that another year has  slipped by, you are NOT alone.

The bad news: Your anxiety and desperation are keeping you from finding love.  The good news: You can change that.  It takes work to learn about ourselves and become mindful of our past behavioral patterns and mistakes.  But guess what, people can & do change!

The biggest lesson?  Living life in the present and enjoying yourself as cliché as it may sound.  It’s what younger me didn’t know 6 years ago, when I wished for love as the clock struck midnight and I saw fireworks.  I kept planning for the life I wanted and lived in a state of anxiety because I didn’t feel complete.  What was really missing in my life at that time was the opportunity to show MYSELF more love.

This year, wish for personal growth, not for love. Love will come when you allow it to enter. When you have succeeded in loving and putting yourself first.

In the spirit of the New Year, I want to share my goals.  Below are my top 15; I tried to keep it short, don’t judge me!


  1. Spend quality time with myself
  2. Add more fun to my life
  3. Nurture friendships
  4. Meditate
  5. Prioritize family (sorry for putting ya’ll on the back burner for a while)
  6. Be kind to myself(nae nae with the body shaming)
  7. Take more risks
  8. Sleep more
  9. Continue to open my mind
  10. Spend less on clothes, shoes yadda yadda. . . No seriously! , I’m going to try this 90 days thing where I can’t buy shoes. I was inspired by another woman’s journey. Wish me luck!
  11. Eat healthier---for my mind, body and soul
  12. Spend time away from my partner. I don’t need to be attached to his hip (love you babe)
  13. My word is my bond—sticking to NO, and not doing things I don’t want to do
  14. Become a better listener
  15. Make love like nobody is watching (probably my favorite one! #oops)



It’s like momma says, you can’t hurry love.  Remember to live life the way you want to live it.  You only get one life, and don’t waste it planning and planning for love to come. ~


When Should I Sleep with Him?

When Should I Sleep with Him?


  Ladies, when is the right time to sleep with a man?  Everyone seems to have an opinion on this topic, from your friends, to celebrities and even doctors.  Should you sleep with him or shouldn’t you?

Research shows that most people in the U.S. sleep with someone around date three, others on the first date, and some only after marriage.

The objective of talking about this topic is to empower you to do what you are comfortable with. There is no steadfast three date rule, one month rule, or magic formula for the perfect time.  In my opinion, you can feel emotionally connected and attracted to someone even the first, second, or third date. You don’t have to wait three months because a celebrity dating coach said it will get you the man you want and weed off those who only want sex.

If you’re not sure on the first few dates whether you want to sleep with that new guy, then waiting is a good idea. It’s about reading the cues. Sex can enhance the chemistry or make it fizzle before it even has a chance to develop.

The following key points regarding when to sleep with a man are taken from various popular magazines, experts and books.

“The longer you put off having sex, the better the sex will be.”

I disagree.  If you wait too long to have sex, the sex might be awkward It may also create overly high expectations for that first time.


Men are persuading you into bed, but looking for you to say ‘no’ to make it part of the chase.”

I disagree. I think men initially don’t know if they are interested in a woman for short term or long term “mating.” However they want to sleep with you regardless.


“Making him wait to have sex will ensure he’s invested in it for the longer haul.”

Sometimes. But there’s also men who will wait several dates until you decide to sleep with him, and are still not interested in a monogamous relationship. It’s something you should communicate if monogamy before sex is important to you.


“Sex can cloud judgment.”

I agree. Sex can make things more complicated. If the attraction is too hot and heavy right from the start, you may miss noticing key personality traits you don’t like that are deal breakers for you.


“Talk about where the relationship is going before getting into bed with him”

Sometimes. What are your expectations if you have sex with him? If your values dictate that in order to have sex with him, you need to first be in a committed monogamous relationship, then go ahead and have that talk with him. Not every man is going to be comfortable with this conversation. Some may be scared off thinking they haven’t even slept with you yet, how do you expect them to commit? However, there are men willing to commit and invest in a relationship before sleeping together if they are marriage minded.  Ask yourself these questions – How well do I know him? How comfortable am I having sex with him?



To conclude, keep in mind that some men are highly influenced by the double standard.  Knowing your man’s attitudes and ideals regarding sex can provide cues to knowing how long to wait. There is no formula. It depends on the connection you two have and having sex can make that connection even stronger. If a man judges you because you slept with him “too soon” according to his standards, he may be struggling with a Madonna-whore dichotomy. Bottom line, do what you feel comfortable, when you feel comfortable.


10 Signs of a Happy Couple

10 Signs of a Happy Couple


  None of us are born with an intuitive understanding of what it’s like to be in a relationship. We learn through our surroundings and experiences what we want a happy relationship to look like. I’d like to share my personal list of what a happy relationship looks like.


  • Happy couples find coziness and security in each other as well as adventure

After the butterflies are over, they work on maintaining a little spontaneity in their relationship. Our human drive for security is strong, but so is our sense for adventure and edge. Happy couples try to keep things exciting by experiencing new things together. Perhaps it’s taking that trip to Southeast Asia, signing up for an improv class together, or as simple as trying new ethnic food.


  • Happy couples handle their conflict by taking ownership

Not every conflict needs to be solved or can be solved. Sometimes it’s just about accepting them. But the ones that can be solved they work on. Perhaps its managing his difficult family, or arguing about a friendship she has that crosses boundaries in your relationship. Happy couples make an effort to empathize with one another and compromise to solve conflicts by taking responsibility.


  • Happy couples are best friends with benefits

When couples become too comfortable and are nesting they sometimes neglect sexual intimacy. Happy couples manage being friends and lovers.


  • Happy couples include each other in most aspects of their lives

Whether that’s hanging out with each-others friends (making new friends together), sharing an interest or hobby together, or including the other person in something you used to do alone when you were single.


  • Happy couples also maintain independence

Maybe he has a boys’ annual fishing trip, maybe she has a girls’ weekly yoga class.  You can share and do most things together if you chose, but be sure to enjoy some time apart to yourselves. This also allows happy couples to miss each other.


  • Happy couples respect each-others differences

Happy couples respect and have open mind when it comes to their differences. Love doesn’t understand that his family background conflicts with your parents’ religious beliefs. Having different taste in music or movies shouldn’t matter either! Happy couples balance their different tastes, for example, he teaches her a new genre of music and he learns to enjoy watching romantic comedies with her. The big stuff like different ideals when it comes to money, religion, politics, those are the things that happy couples communicate early on in the relationship and come up with compromises together. Keep in mind that attraction is not something that can be predicted. Happy couples are open to their differences and embrace them.


  • Happy couples treat each other like they want to be treated

The golden rule of treat others the way you want to be treated is great, but the platinum rule is treat them how they want to be treated. This includes loving him or her how they want to be loved. Happy couples know each other’s “love language”—quality time, verbal affirmations, acts of service, and physical touch.


  • Happy couples share their story with excitement

Every couple has a story. But happy couples share the story about they met with excitement. Research suggests that it’s not about how you met that makes a good story but how you share that story through your facial expressions and enthusiasm.


  • Happy couples understand no relationship is perfect

Happy couples learn that no relationship is perfect and that you can’t live up to the ideals of Hollywood or other aspirational benchmarks. Happy couples understand their partner isn’t solely responsible for making their life amazing.


  • Happy couples make each other better

Happy couples strive to support each other’s dreams and passions. They encourage each other to be the best version of themselves and are there for each other as an emotional rock when failure happens.


It takes work to be in a committed, loving and healthy relationship. Happy couples recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and do not stop working on their relationship. It’s what we all want and should strive for.



5 Ways Hollywood Gets Real Love Wrong

5 Ways Hollywood Gets Real Love Wrong


  Generally speaking, Hollywood creates a love story that is unrealistic and too perfect – sweeping romanticism, grand gestures, dying for love, epic tragedies.  These romance movies draw us in emotionally and touch our souls, tricking us to believe that’s what real love looks like. I’m guilty of loving these movies, but I understand that the love stories in most of these movies are not sustainable.  And if you’re looking for success in your next relationship, I suggest not setting your expectations based on Hollywood.


Here are 5 ways Hollywood gets real love wrong:


  1. Love is all you need

“All you need is love. Love conquers all.”

Love alone can’t solve all the problems let’s be honest. You need to have other important things, like loyalty, trust, purpose and meaning.


2.  You cannot walk away from love

“No matter the price, you cannot walk away from love”

No, sometimes you have to walk away. There are plenty of good reasons.


3.  Love is not being able to live without that person

“Can’t live, if living is without you”

You can live without him/her. It would be unhealthy and obsessive not to be able to.


4. A love that never dies

“Our love is forever”

Love is so much more than a feeling. Love can be broken down into physical response, emotional intimacy, and commitment. And to stay in love takes work. Human nature makes us work for love. Love doesn’t endure all.


5. Love is a single soul inhabiting two bodies

“Soul mates.”

Ahh the idea that there’s only one other person for you. You can choose to fall in love with that person, but if it doesn’t work out, chances are there are others out there for you. Not only is it very possible to experience real love with more than one person in a lifetime, it’s possible to fall in love with more than one person at a time.


There are movies out there that teach us real love lessons. Lessons about moving on after a breakup, choosing love with someone new, getting caught up in “what ifs” and not appreciating what life actually is, the value of a broken heart, accepting your partner’s flaws, hardships of codependency, creating arbitrary rules for a relationship, growing apart, alternatives to monogamy, and so much more.


The key is to not get caught up in a fantasy of a fairy tale. True love, the kind in real life with all its imperfections and struggles is something to be treasured.  True love is about looking at a relationship from a different lens. A lens that sees beauty in imperfection and connection as something more than "butterflies" sees love as a reflection of the complexity of being human.


“I Love You”: Waiting to Hear Your Boyfriend Say Those Three Little Words?

“I Love You”: Waiting to Hear Your Boyfriend Say Those Three Little Words?


  Who says I Love You first in a relationship: men or women?

According to a study Communicating Commitment in Romantic Relationship men say it first about 70% of the time.  The fact that men are saying it first to their partners significantly more than women makes me wonder if gender roles play a part in it. How many women also don’t want to make the first move and ask a guy out?

The study explained how evolutionarily speaking women have more burden for childbearing and can afford to be choosier with whom they have sex as well as whom they love.  This suggests that in our ancestral environment women waited to declare their love. Perhaps it’s wired in the female brain. So let’s go back to the idea behind a woman professing her love first.

Since men are saying it first the majority of the time in the relationship, does it follow that women are thinking it and feeling it as well but waiting for the guy to profess?  On average it appears that men and women in romantic (sexual) relationships are at the “I love you” stage a few months to half a year into the relationship.  If it’s taking nine months to a year, it may not mean he doesn’t love you, he could just be less emotionally expressive than yo

In recent conversations with women in this position, I would like to share what I emphasized to them.  Keep in mind the following 3 points if you’re at the stage in a romantic relationship with a guy: —dating him for a few months, —falling in love and wondering why he hasn’t professed his love to you.

  • Ask yourself if this relationship is moving at a pace you are comfortable with.  If it’s not and it’s really bothering you that he hasn’t said “I love you,” then it’s worth discussing with him.  Have a conversation about what the possible expectations are behind those 3 words. Perhaps he thinks that once he says “I love you” the expectations are that he has to move in with you, or it’s time to start the wedding planning.  It’s important to ensure that you both understand each other’s perspective.
  • If you avoid having the conversation with him about how you feel, unnecessary tension is likely to build in the relationship. It will come out in other ways through petty conflict and arguments because you need to know what he’s thinking.  And if he loves you why hasn’t he expressed it verbally.
  • After you have the conversation, maybe you’ll sense by his positive reaction and openness to express the strong connection you two have—as a sign that he genuinely loves you. Be willing to give him the time he needs to be ready to say it.  That’s the good scenario.  On the other hand, if after having the conversation you are not sure if he loves you by how he reacted, or if he backs away, give him time to feel and digest his emotions.  It can be confusing. After all, he may want to be the one to say it first.

If after a reasonable amount of time you feel you are not getting closer or taking your relationship to the next stage emotionally, since he still hasn’t said those three little words, then try having the conversation again about your feelings.  Hopefully this time he’s ready to profess his love.  If not, you deserve a man who’s more emotionally available for you.  After all, women can afford to be choosier on who they choose to love. ~